Something...

Well, I'm alive. Almost forgot I even had this. I'm trying to write more so I can finish my book so I thought it'd be a good idea to start up here again to get the flow going. Not that I expect anyone will be reading this but me. No really big leaps in life since my last post I guess. I'm working mornings at a fast food joint to make sure there's always someone home but also because I don't want to work period but we can't afford for me not to. It's okay. I'm not miserable, just hate working. But that's life.

I always feel like I have nothing to say when it comes to these posts. What do you say if you're only talking to yourself? Usually something crazy. I don't lead a particularly interesting life but it's mine, I guess.

I've been dreaming of travel lately. As my dad would say our traveler blood is burning. He gets it too. I assume I have it twice as bad because mom was a bit like this as well. But she always liked having someplace to call home. I'd rather be able to take home with me or make wherever I am home. As long as I have the people I want to surround myself with there why can't it be home? But I'm longing for beaches and warm weather. Somewhere lush and green, that has a rainy season instead of snow. I can almost smell the rain in the air.

Show Up

  Okay. I have this friend. We have literally known each other for 7 years now. I have only hung out with them once, maybe twice in all that time. We have been invited to the same events by other people separately. I have invited them to events I host. I have asked if they wanted to hang out with others and/or just us. Nothing. I don't get it. If you just want to be "online/talk when we cross paths" friends, that's okay. I don't mind that. I have plenty of those type of friends. But it's the wasted effort that I do mind. It's the "yeah, right" look I get when I tell someone that you are going to show up and you inevitably flake out. I'm tired of getting excited that we will finally get to hang out, do something fun and talk. And maybe that's me being over sensitive but that's just the way I feel.

  And you don't even care. That's the issue. I think it's complete horse fodder that you can do whatever you want. Blame it on exhaustion? I work full time and I'm also a mom to 2 under the age of 10. Depression? I have been depressed pretty much since the age of 9. You live with it. Anxiety? I am scared of everything. I have a paranoid personality disorder. I literally trust no one. Not even myself. But I still put myself out there and make myself talk to people. I do things that scare me. I constantly force myself to have a positive outlook because I know life sucks anyways so why should I make it worse. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk to people but I do it anyways. You show up. Why? Because that is life. That is being an adult. That is being a good friend. Too bad you never took the time to read the memo.

The Odd Duck

I've been doing so well emotionally lately but it really stinks when others bring you down.  I know you aren't supposed to let that happen but it's kind of hard especially when they make the comment, "Stop being happy all the time."  I'm sorry.  It's taken me 30 years to learn how to be happy.  I don't want to go back into the miserable pit of despair I was living in before.  They just don't get it.  It's not abnormal to be content with your life.  But we've all been conditioned to believe it is now.  I don't know. Maybe I should go back to the days when I wanted to die and thought about taking my own life.  Would they be happy then?  Nope.  They are never happy.

I can't even talk about how hard we are working to pay off debt and how I plan on being completely debt free.  Apparently addressing your financial problems head on is no good either.  Avoid your problems.  Go shopping.  Make it worse.  And don't be alternative.  Don't use cloth pads or wipes.  Don't think about shrinking your waste output.  Then you are some sort of tree hugging weirdo trying to save the planet.  What's wrong with that?  And if you like to make your own food and preserve it apparently it's all for the end of the world.  I'd just like to know what's in my food and try to save money.  Add to this my love of shabby chic vintage fashion and I'm one odd duck.  But I like ducks.

I'm Alive

   I haven't used this site in a long time. Not even to read other blogs. I recently got a new computer and felt like writing. I should be cleaning or writing my book but we all know the ways of procrastination.

   We have been trying to downsize lately. I have this crazy dream of having all the clothing I own fit into one duffel bag. I wear the same thing over and over anyways. Of course hubby says that's because I can't get to anything to wear it. He may be half right...or all right. We will see when I actually get the chance to look at everything else. I've also been tossing out dishes left and right. I'm almost positive we only use four plates now. The problem is I know we have a whole stack stashed in the cabinet above the stove that I forgot all about. There is also a box of my inlaws old dishes upstairs as well. I don't think I've ever even been through it.

   I've been trying to convince Hubby to let me sell all the extra junk on Facebook. Some of it he says he doesn't care but most of it he is always like well what if we need it later. That's how we got into this mess to begin with. He even likes to keep all the boxes to everything. And when his mother gives the kids easter buckets he keeps those too. I hate plastic. I rarely use it. I have no clue why he stashes this stuff. I think it's because if you were to go to his parent's basement you would find neatly tetris like empty boxes under their stairs. I swear the space is packed with stuff. There is even a ping pong table down there that I don't think anyone has played on in years. So it is probably a learned habit. But so is mine.

   When I was young, each of us girls had three totes apiece full of clothes. Usually one full of summer stuff and two for our winter wardrobe. Dad always asked why we had seasonal wardrobes when we weren't rich. I have no clue really. I think Mom just wanted us to have nice things and was always worried we wouldn't have something we needed when we needed it. She even continued to buy me clothes after I was married and started having kids. In fact, she would buy clothes for my whole family even when I told her we were good. She was just showing she loved us and trying to care for us so I didn't mind. I miss it actually. But I'm trying to move past that. I like being able to have things that are interchangeable. I wear the same two skirts most of the time. Then I just choose between a handful of tank tops and tees. Add a sweater of either black or tan for colder weather. For warmer weather I have a white kimono style short sleeved jacket. A pair of flats or tennis shoes and I'm done. I'm pretty easy to please.

The problem is the rest of our stuff. I have no clue how I'm going to get him to part with it all. Or myself for that matter. But I will do it. It's insane to hold onto things we don't even look at, let alone never use.

   But this isn't just because it's better for us. We have what some would call an even crazier dream. We want to build our own tiny house. I've had my own plans drawn up for over a year now. Maybe even two. I will tweak them every once in awhile when our needs change and I think I've finally hit on the best layout for us. But you never know. After all this will be a project years in the making. I don't expect it to happen overnight. Hubby is even all for it. I was really surprised actually. When I told him about making the loft into two sleeping areas for the kids his first question was what happens to it when they move out. He said he didn't want to climb up there when he was old to sleep. I couldn't believe the man who is used to huge homes and lots of stuff was planning on living in 160 square feet, roughly, long after the kids are grown and on their own. That's one of the many reasons I love that man. He may seem hesitant to change but when he sees that something makes sense he is all in.

   So, lots of changes going on here. Or at least we are trying. Like Walt Disney said, "Keep moving forward."